Oppositionality is a Strength
Oppositional, defiant, oppositional defiant disorder, ODD, pervasive demand avoidance, PDA, noncompliant, these are all labels often given to neurodivergent people. These words are used to frame behavior as “negative,” as if being defiant and giving pushback is always a bad thing. Over the years however, as I have worked with the neurodivergent community and processed my own and my family members’ oppositional tendencies, I have begun to see this “persistent drive for autonomy” (the neurodivergent community’s spin on PDA) as a strength. To highlight this, let me review the history of Dav Pilkey, author of Captain Underpants.
When Dav was a second grader, he started drawing comics. He struggled with reading and writing due to ADHD and dyslexia, but he was good at drawing and good at being funny. His second-grade teacher would frequently send him into the hall because he was disruptive, and on one occasion when he was out there drawing comics instead of doing his math (what 7-year-old would choose do math if left on their own?), she tore up the drawing of a stick figure in underpants, angrily stating that he couldn’t spend his life drawing people in their underwear. Well guess what? Mr. Pilkey used his oppositionality to prove that not only could he do exactly that, but he could be very successful at it too.
Now I understand, both personally and professionally, the challenges and frustrations of working with someone who is oppositional. I remember my frustration for example with one preteen who wouldn’t follow ANY directions at all. This included directions that one might have thought they would be eager to follow such as, “Eat this cookie.” I had to phrase everything as a request, not a demand, and it was stressful and frustrating. On the other hand, as I focus a lot on the concepts of stress responses in my work, I have come to believe that oppositionality is a stress response that is directly related to living in a world that doesn’t understand or adequately support you. Some neurodivergent individuals will engage in their fawn response in difficult circumstances, trying their best to be compliant in order to appease others and avoid their anger. This can lead to the individual failing to advocate for their needs, or in worst case scenarios it can lead to the individual being victimized. Others however will engage in oppositionality, which is the opposite of fawning, and they will fight to the death to preserve their autonomy. This can lead to rejection from the community, punishment, and other negative outcomes, but on the other hand, these individuals are less likely to be victimized or feel that they are forced to ignore their needs.
Instead of trying to force compliance from an oppositional person, I try to follow the advice of Ross Green in his book, The Explosive Child. Instead of imposing my own will, I try to collaborate when at all possible. This allows the individual to have the autonomy their brain is telling them they require in order to be safe. It also allows me to build trust so that I can more effectively help the individual meet their short and long-term goals. I recommend using collaboration with individuals who tend towards the fawn response as well. Collaboration helps teach them that their needs are important, to self-advocate, and gives them permission to say “No,” thus decreasing their risk for victimization.
Let’s move away from the traditional model of insisting on compliance, and move to foster collaboration and self-advocacy. This doesn’t mean no rules or boundaries. There are times when imposing your will is necessary. For example, if a child wants to run out into the busy street, it is very important that they not be allowed to do this. There are plenty of times however when collaboration is not only possible, but is the best solution to the issue at hand. It is time to embrace and teach collaboration and cooperation and to recognize and celebrate the strengths of oppositionality. You never know when you might be supporting the next Dav Pilkey, who’s oppositionality even extends to refusing to spell “Dave” the way everyone else does. Thanks for being such a great oppositional, neurodivergent role model, Dav! Oppositional, defiant, oppositional defiant disorder, ODD, pervasive demand avoidance, PDA, noncompliant, these are all labels often given to neurodivergent people. These words are used to frame behavior as “negative,” as if being defiant and giving pushback is always a bad thing. Over the years however, as I have worked with the neurodivergent community and processed my own and my family members’ oppositional tendencies, I have begun to see this “persistent drive for autonomy” (the neurodivergent community’s spin on PDA) as a strength. To highlight this, let me review the history of Dav Pilkey, author of Captain Underpants.
When Dav was a second grader, he started drawing comics. He struggled with reading and writing due to ADHD and dyslexia, but he was good at drawing and good at being funny. His second-grade teacher would frequently send him into the hall because he was disruptive, and on one occasion when he was out there drawing comics instead of doing his math (what 7-year-old would choose do math if left on their own?), she tore up the drawing of a stick figure in underpants, angrily stating that he couldn’t spend his life drawing people in their underwear. Well guess what? Mr. Pilkey used his oppositionality to prove that not only could he do exactly that, but he could be very successful at it too.
Now I understand, both personally and professionally, the challenges and frustrations of working with someone who is oppositional. I remember my frustration for example with one preteen who wouldn’t follow ANY directions at all. This included directions that one might have thought they would be eager to follow such as, “Eat this cookie.” I had to phrase everything as a request, not a demand, and it was stressful and frustrating. On the other hand, as I focus a lot on the concepts of stress responses in my work, I have come to believe that oppositionality is a stress response that is directly related to living in a world that doesn’t understand or adequately support you. Some neurodivergent individuals will engage in their fawn response in difficult circumstances, trying their best to be compliant in order to appease others and avoid their anger. This can lead to the individual failing to advocate for their needs, or in worst case scenarios it can lead to the individual being victimized. Others however will engage in oppositionality, which is the opposite of fawning, and they will fight to the death to preserve their autonomy. This can lead to rejection from the community, punishment, and other negative outcomes, but on the other hand, these individuals are less likely to be victimized or feel that they are forced to ignore their needs.
Instead of trying to force compliance from an oppositional person, I try to follow the advice of Ross Green in his book, The Explosive Child. Instead of imposing my own will, I try to collaborate when at all possible. This allows the individual to have the autonomy their brain is telling them they require in order to be safe. It also allows me to build trust so that I can more effectively help the individual meet their short and long-term goals. I recommend using collaboration with individuals who tend towards the fawn response as well. Collaboration helps teach them that their needs are important, to self-advocate, and gives them permission to say “No,” thus decreasing their risk for victimization.
Let’s move away from the traditional model of insisting on compliance, and move to foster collaboration and self-advocacy. This doesn’t mean no rules or boundaries. There are times when imposing your will is necessary. For example, if a child wants to run out into the busy street, it is very important that they not be allowed to do this. There are plenty of times however when collaboration is not only possible, but is the best solution to the issue at hand. It is time to embrace and teach collaboration and cooperation and to recognize and celebrate the strengths of oppositionality. You never know when you might be supporting the next Dav Pilkey, who’s oppositionality even extends to refusing to spell “Dave” the way everyone else does. Thanks for being such a great oppositional, neurodivergent role model, Dav!
Male adolescent faced away from the camera, face blurred, holding his left hand toward the camera, fingers splayed, with the word “NO” written in red.
https://www.bookelicious.com/author/135/
Greene, R. W. (2010). The explosive child: A new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children. HarperCollins.
Pearson, A., Rose, K., & Rees, J. (2023). “I felt like I deserved it because I was autistic”: Understanding the impact of interpersonal victimization in the lives of autistic people. Autism: The International Journal of Research & Practice, 27(2), 500–511. doi: 10.1177/13623613221104546
